We’re reading Same Kind of Different as Me for lead team. I finished it yesterday and it’s one of those books that clutches your heart and will not let go. Tears were streaming down my face as I felt their pain in very real ways. It brought up feelings in me that I usually try to push down…intense fear of my loved ones dying, not being sure what my life is about, judging people…
It was made more intense than usual since Aaron and I were in the middle of a day without internet & computers. I had a lot of time to sit around, read and think. Earlier in the morning I read a chapter from Craig Goeschel’s IT book. It was about praying these three prayers every morning. Ask God to stretch me, ruin me & heal me. The ruin me prayer is unique because we’re not asking God to destroy us. But we’re asking God to break down the walls we put up. We’re asking God to break our hearts with the things that break God’s heart.
So while tears streamed down my face as a character battled cancer, I just let it happen. I let myself feel the pain and horror of watching a person so deeply in love with God and her family fade away.
Then I went to our Saturday night service to hear Duane talk about our fears and specifically this week – Fear of the Economy. God spoke through him right to my heart. Why do we lull ourselves into thinking life should be great, wonderful and happy all the time? There WILL be pain & horrible days. Yet we’re shocked and surprised when those days hit and we feel far from God.
When you experience communion a lot, it’s sometimes hard to fully experience what it means. Last night was one of those nights I have never wanted it more. I’ve never wanted the peace only God can give me so much. An unsteady heart is awkward to live with. Nothing feels right.
How long has it been since you’ve let God ruin you?